Lonely in a crowd

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Friday, May 2nd, 2008
8:45 pm - Bob's selling to the Masses!! Help me fund my trip!
Okay, so it's been decided. I'm moving to Vancouver, WA (just north of Portland, OR). I am moving mid-July, and am taking nothing with me. To help fund my trip, I am selling almost everything worthwhile in my apartment, and re-buying out there. (mostly because OR has no sales tax, so it'd be easier than paying, (and I calculated this) close to $1,000 in gas for the U-Haul alone).



As such, here is the mostly catalog of what I'm selling. Keep an eye out, more to come.



The prices are largely non-negotiable, unless you can give me a very good reason why I shouldn't sell it at the posted price.



Also, if you buy multiple items (moreso than what's listed) I will give you scount(s).



IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BUY THE ITEMS, I TAKE CASH ONLY, AND YOU MUST PROVIDE YOUR OWN TRANSPORTATION, AND MOVERS.



Without further ado:

Bob’s Inventory Catalog:

Dresser ($80): Condition: USED

6-drawers, very sturdy, little scratched, make a better offer...or take lamps!


Dinner Table & Chairs ($200): Condition: PRISTINE.



This table has been used probably 5 times for dinner, almost never used regularly, and basically sits around collecting dust. It has two leaves that slide into the underside of the top. The table also comes with the 4 listed chairs.



Manufacturer's website: http://www. ikea. com/us/en/catalog/products/50116809
It's as in good condition as the day I bought it.



The chairs: http://www. ikea. com/us/en/catalog/products/10115072
But obviously black and with cushions.



Table –
Closed:

Open:

Chairs:



Coffee Table ($100): Condition: PERFECT
I couldn't find it anymore on the IKEA website, but it's still in perfect condition, has no dings or dents or anything wrong with it.




Papasan Chairs (1 for $45, 2 for $80)

Hey look, papasan chairs.



Images wouldn't display, so click the links below:
Cream Colored:
http://i103. photobucket. com/albums/m137/Lazrus01/selling%20stuff/100_0296. jpg

Black:
http://i103. photobucket. com/albums/m137/Lazrus01/selling%20stuff/100_0300. jpg

This ceiling fan spins so quickly, and so silently, but the lights are almost floodlight-like in their brightness. I really like the fan, but have no room to put it where I'm going.


Ceiling Fan ($40):


End Tables ($80 each, $140 for both)
These are great for bed-sides, or for couch-sides, or just putting in a corner for some small extra space.


3 drawers:


2 drawers: (again, click)
http://i103. photobucket. com/albums/m137/Lazrus01/selling%20stuff/100_0304. jpg

This is a mid-90's Panasonic. It is cable-ready, and has 2 RCA cable jacks (red, yellow, white) and external speaker ports.


TV -36” ($75):
http://i103. photobucket. com/albums/m137/Lazrus01/selling%20stuff/100_0295. jpg


Bed – Queen-sized, including sheets (make an offer):

I'm not sure what to sell this for, but you can also have the sheets (washed of course), and if you reserve it with an offer, I promise to have absolutely no sex on it until you take it off my hands. Then, it's fair game.


It's a queen-sized pillow-top, still very firm and comfy. It's a good bed.




Medium-sized shelves ($40):
Black shelves. Not much more to say.




Tall Shelves ($20)
Tall shelves. Again, not much more to say.


http://i103. photobucket. com/albums/m137/Lazrus01/selling%20stuff/100_0301. jpg

Please only make an offer if you're serious.

Also, there are a few other items to sell, such as small tables, and lamps, but may be included in the price of other items.

If anything interests you, please contact me at Robert.koltanowski@gmail.com

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Sunday, April 13th, 2008
10:21 am - Hiya
No, not hee-yah (I'm not flying through the air with my leg extended), I'm saying Hi-ya! (as in, hello you!).

This morning I'm sitting at the Extreme Bean, trying to get homework done, but my mind is everywhere (due to caffiene, forgetting my iPod, and just cuz I don't wanna!) and I'm finding myself, as I often feel on Sunday mornings, totally loving my life.

I'm not sure what it is about Sunday mornings, waking up and going to the coffeeshop, but more often than not, I sit back, and realize on these days, just how good I actually have it.

That isn't to say my life isn't full of it's problems, that's to say, on Sunday mornings, those problems tend not to touch me.

Saturday, all day was the Scavenger Hunt. Good wholesome (except for The Divil's White Snake...) fun. Took Pooh & Meesh home, or rather, to their car at my complex, and went out to Karaoke. Saw a friend I hadn't seen in a while, dealt with lingering drama that required my attention, and generally had a good time.

Now it's Sunday morning. Woke with a dry mouth and a hoarse throat (as happens almsot every 'roke), read a bit of a comic book (which I'm glad I'm finally getting back into reading) and dragged my ass to my local Coffee establishment.

After attempting over and over to actually get some homework done, I finally gave in and started blogging. (Woo!)

So here's the solidity of my post. Call it sappy. Call it whatever. I don't care. I'm in a good mood, and if you're not, you're missing out on that many hours in your life you could be happy. ;-)

Good morning to my friends! I hope you're all doing well!! It's 10:06am MST, and I'm sitting here, watching traffic go by, debating what to buy for lunch at Sunflower, and generally trying to get my homework done. My shoulder feels like it's done hating me, and I'm actually looking forward to this week. Work is going to be insanely busy, I'm finally getting back solidly into going to the gym and Krav, and in a week, I'm going to Portland, OR for a week! W00t!

For those of you that don't know, I'm going to be putting my resume out there all this week, hoping to score an interview or two while I'm out there. If I can score a job, I might be moving out there as early as September. Anyone want to come with? Yeah, I thought not. You all love your sun and your heat. I'm tired of it! I love the clouds and the rain, and the fact that Portland is the BREWERY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD. Anyone that knows me, know I love the beer. The beer calls me. I must answer. The ocean calls me, I must answer. The clouds call me. I'm going to fly. :-)

Life has been good to me. I'm not gloating, I'm marvelling. Too often do I turn my attentions too much inward, blinding me to the simple fact that my life is awesome. I have a great job. I have some of the best friends anyone could ever ask for. I have a lovely little apartment, and while it's not very large, and while it's a little old, it's mine, it's secluded, and I love it. I have a great families (both chosen and by birth) who take care of me and are always there for me. I have great enimies who don't show up too often, but when they do, it's always to provide more impetus to not be like them, and to better myself in all ways as to not become anywhere near like them. See, I can even appreciate them, too! While I do not yet have that "someone special" in my life, and while I may be looking in all the right, or wrong, or everywhere in betwen places, I know there are someone(s) out there that match me in ways I don't yet know, and just finding them will be enjoyment in itself.

I suppose what I wanted to say in this post is I hope all of you out there in Bloop/LJ/Myspace/OkC/TV Land(s) is whoever you are, I hope I show my appreciation to you for being in my life, and I hope you all have as wonderful of days as I do. Even if the world seems horrible, even if life seems overwhelming, even if you feel like you're drowning in a sea of nothing, just remember: you're alive! Every day is another chance to turn it all around. Life moves pretty fast, if you don't stop and take a look around once in a while, you might just miss it. We are the miracle makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams. You may not be a unique and beautiful snowflake, but I love you for being the same decaying matter as me.

I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. My mind is racing from caffeine and elation, and avoidance of homework. Remember, no matter what happens in your life, you're never as bad off as you could be, and even when it seems the waves are closing above your head, or the sand is pouring down, or the coffin is being closed one nail at a time, you can always, Always, ALWAYS just get up and walk away.

Be well, friends, enemies, and strangers.

Live the Journey, for every destination is but a doorway to another.

Peace be the journey.

Be well.

current mood: happy
current music: Castles Made of Sand - Jimi

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Monday, April 7th, 2008
11:21 pm - I'm picky
So Joe and I were having an email discussion while at work today. It was about me and my "type" or rather, my standards.

Here's what I came up with:

1. Must be a drinker
2. Must be a non-smoker
3. No kids. I don't have kids, don't want kids. I don't think I'd make a goody Daddy to someone else's child (no offense to those of you out there. It's my preference)
4. must be enrolled, currently attending, or graduated from, at least 2-year college
5. Must not be fanatically religious
6. Must enjoy physical activities, or at least be health-conscious and fitness-aware
7. Must have solid goals/plans, preferably professional.

Okay, so I don't always stand by all 7. I'd probably be willing to sacrifice one or two of them, or hell, all 7, if I met the right SINGLE woman.

Well get to that in a second. First, here's Joe's pseudo-math.

300 million people in the US.
Age range of 25-53? Probably about 26%: 78 million
About 53% of the population is Women: 41 million
Those unmarried, about 48%: 20 million (we're fudging it a little now)
Taking 7% for the Lesbian population (again, fudging): 18,860,000
Taking off 40% for smokers (statistic is higher, but hey, it's in good fun): 11,316,240
We'll say 1/3 of the people work out 3 or more times per week: 3,771,703
College Education? (about 26%): 980, 643
Unmarried yet in a relationship, or not looking (about 48%): 490,321
Taking away teetotalers (about 5%): 392,257

Population of AZ: about 10 million
Percentage of total country in AZ that meet my standards: .13%
Total women in the state that actually meet my standards: 13075
Total women that meet my standards in AZ (approx 30%): 3923
Those that live in the Phoenix area (give or take 65% of them): 2550

That means there are about 2550 women in the totality of Phoenix and the surrounding areas for me to find.

Now, here's a depressing statistic: 94 single women per 100 single men. (http://www.epodunk.com/county_data2/mw3.html) That means we guys outnumber them. That means for the 2550 women, there are 2712 guys vying for their attention.

Another depressing statistic: The 3 counties that make up Portland and the surrounding areas have a lower percentage than here.

Looks like I'm really going to have to get on my game if I'm going to find me a mate.

So now you know my standards.

Know anyone?

current mood: indifferent

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Saturday, February 2nd, 2008
1:03 am - you
I miss you.
I miss you lots.
I shouldn't miss you.
But I do.

I didn't die a thousand deaths.
I didn't die five hundred deaths.
I just commented you looked very nice.

I think about all the things that used to anger me about you.
They still anger me all the time.
Just like thoughts of me anger you.
Just like how me saying I'm lonely and miss you give you that little zing of confidence.

Even if I wanted you back...
Even if I could have you back
I could never.
Your friends never liked me.
Your parents didn't like me.
Your Sibling and sibling's friends never liked me.
Even if I could convince you to come back,
They would never approve, and they would never accept
That would weigh so heavily on your decision, it could never happen.
It's a failed idea before even being fully formed.

That doesn't keep me from missing you.
Even if you did berate me.
Even if you did make comments that hurt
Really bad
Even when I told you it hurt
Even when I explained how bad it hurt.
Even so.

That doesn't keep me from wanting you back.
I waited for you originally.
I waited while you fucked someone else.
I waited while you got over someone else.
I waited while you came around to actually caring about me.

That isn't to say I'm not as bitter as you are.
There's a lot of resentment,
just like I'm sure there's plenty for me.
We'd hate each other.
For a while.

You put up with a lot of my shit.
And I shoveled a lot of it out.
I put up with a lot of your shit.
you had a lot to give.
I put up with a lot of your family's shit.
Though it wasn't always visible, I could always smell it
Lingering on the edge of my consciousness.
It wasn't pleasant.
I didn't rest much.

We had a lot of good times.
We had a lot of bad times that didn't have to be bad times.
The end was really no surprise to you.
Nor, I suspect, are you really that broken up about it.
Though I did, and still do, carry much guilt around for the original pain.

I'm sorry I was angry a lot.
I'm sorry I blamed you for stupid things.
I'm sorry I got angry over little things that I shouldn't have.
I was over-sensitive a lot of times.
And in a lot of ways, I was looking for reasons to hate you.
I was looking for ways to build a case to guilt-free get rid of it all.
And though I built my case, it wasn't guilt-free.

To be honest, this is the first time I've created a split
Without having something ready right away to pick up.
I have none, I've had none. I didn't have a secondary track to switch to.
I'm flying solo, and for a while, for the first time in a long time.

Remember when I used to drink every night?
I realized recently, if it wasn't for the exercise and the psycho diet I'm on
I'd be doing the exact same thing.
So there's one point for being a psycho dieter.

I'm getting off-topic.
I do miss you.
I miss us.
I miss having someone I could somewhat relate to.
I miss having fun with someone who shared similar interests.
I miss coming home to someone I thought cared for me.
I just wish grievances could have been brought to light
On both sides.
As they occurred.

Oh well.
You won't read this.
You don't check my journal.
If you ever did.

Now you can go back to your journal
and post about how affirmed you are
and how emo and sad I am.
And how happy you are with whoever
And how sad I am all alone.

I don't care anymore.
I've said my peace.
Piece?
Peas.

Have fun.
Field days are always great exercise.

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Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
12:10 pm - NYE/NYD
Well, we did it.

We weren't all there, but we managed to throw one hell of a party for the New Year and our host(ess)es. They provided the locale, we provided everything else.

AND

IT

WAS

AWESOME.

Thanks to everyone who showed up, thanks to everyone who contributed, thanks for everyone that wished us well and couldn't make it. It was wonderful seeing all of you, it was wonderful having the evening of drunken fun and not so drunken fun (R.I.P. little Gutiar Case; you've earned it), but mostly it was the entire family getting together and saying "we will not go quietly into the night, we will not surrender without a..." wait a sec. Let me start over.

No, there is too much.

Let me sum up.

We had a great time. We were merry, we were fun, we were happy. I'd really like to thank Blue, Stormy, and Not-so-Baby K for being our Breakfast Angels, and to da Mick, Zen, and everyone else that helped clean up.

Hoss, Jencat, we hope we did you right, and I'm pretty sure we did.

Love to everyone, and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

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Sunday, December 23rd, 2007
3:17 pm - the bus
I'm looking for a climbing friend. I have no more constant partner for the rock gym. If you're interested in scaling walls, and making sure I don't fall to my death, and can trust that I won't let you fall to yours, let me know.

I'm looking for a sushi friend. Someone who will come with me to try new sushi joints I've never been to. Someone who enjoys sake bombers but can also take it easy and have fun without it. Someone who has the fun to enjoy the dives, but the class to be pretentious at the expensive ones. If you're willing to scarf down raw fish for the sake of trying something new or something interesting, let me know.

I'm looking for a bookstore/coffee friend. Someone intelligent and well read. Someone who can hold a conversation about various topics without always reverting to dick and fart jokes. Someone who enjoys a good brew of coffee or a well-made latte, and can appreciate either live music or the eclectic coffeeshop atmospheres. If you're interested in burning your mouth with java and igniting your mind with debate, let me know.

I'm looking for a booze friend. Someone to go to the various microbrews with me to try the latest tapped kegs and freshly decanted sherries. Someone who can tell the difference between a Cabernet and a Merlot. Someone that knows the difference between Ales and Lagers. Someone who can appreciate a good sipping vodka without insisting it should be mixed with orange juice. If you're interested in getting sloshed on the bitter and the better, let me know.

I'm looking for a spontaneous friend. Someone who will come over at the spur of the moment to hang out, or someone that will call out of nowhere and have something in mind they'd like to do. At the old place I lived, I didn't want anyone coming by unannounced. I don't care anymore. I'm tired of pushing people away and I'm open to having fun at just about any hour. If you're interested in turnaround trips to Globe, road trips to small towns in Who Knows Where, going to a park to do laps or play on the playground, or just getting something to eat at 3am, let me know.

If you don't have my updated number, you should be able to reach me by the other million regular channels I have set up.

I look forward to it.

current mood: weird

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Tuesday, December 18th, 2007
4:27 pm - It's Back! Oh, welcome back!!
Do you know what it is to want?

I don't mean in the "I'm poor and have very little" or the "I'm addicted to heroin and can't kick it."

I'm referring to the very base, the very bottom line feeling of want. Of wanting something. Of wanting anything. Of wanting everything.

A while back, I lost mine. I didn't lose it in a "Buddhist-Taoist-Ascension-Above-It-All" sort of lost.

I was under a lot of strain. I had just gotten out of a relationship (by MY choice), I would soon be moving, and all of my things were packed away, waiting to be moved. I didn't get to see my friends very often, and never on a spur-of-the-moment-I-really-need-you sort of way, either. Hell, at the time, I barely had the inclination to really see them.

Have you ever been completely packed up almost a month before you move? It's like being prepared for surgery that's a month away. You're in a constant state of readiness, and it really takes it's toll. My body stopped responding in ways I wanted it to. Parts of my mind and my psyche began to show signs of atrophy; especially my patience with other people.

Have you ever lost the feeling of "want"? You look around and nothing strikes your fancy? Girls, boys, food, fun, anything, nothing seems interesting? The world seems flat and uninteresting. Now understand, I was not depressed. I was not emosad, walking around thinking my life is over. I did what needed to be done, I took care of my chores and my school work, I kept my life going. I simply had no sense of Want. I had vague feelings of "hm, that could be interesting" or "that would be nice, if I felt the urge" but nothing was there. It's also very interesting when you've learned yourself well enough to know it's missing, but don't really know how to bring it back.

I'm a very excited and very happy to say my Want has returned. I'm sure it has a lot to do with finally moving into my own place, and with Christmas it's heels, it's the perfect time for it to come rushing back. The scariest thing is that it's all coming back in the form of one person. One person I feel I neglected when they needed me. I have peripheral wants, but none are nearly as strong as for this one person. I find myself dwelling on thoughts of this person in the amount of "goddamit, get out of my head". To this person, I can say two things:

Thank you. Thank you for helping me bring it back, and for being the avatar of my desire.

and

Watch Out. This is 3 months of pent up, pure, unadulterated and untapped desire coming right at you. I'd say you might get burned, but I'm not a fire sign, I'm a Pisces.

Try not to drown. ;-)

It's so nice to want again. I just wish I wasn't going to be so stupid about it...

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Sunday, December 2nd, 2007
8:42 am - A loooong December...
So the first of Four is done. Dad got married. Was a small ceremony. The entire service took just under 15 minutes. The taking of the pictures took a bit longer. Dinner was very nice. It was the first time I'd ever had Filet Mignon before. Tasty stuff. Cooked very well. Also got to see an aunt and uncle I haven’t seen in 3 years, which was also very nice. Hopefully I’ll be able to hit Chi Town next year. That’s assuming the Portland Trips and the Vegas trip and possible the SDCC doesn’t put me in the poor house first.
Coming up next is my move. That's going to be expensive, and stressful, but at least it's happening. After being at such a state of readiness for the past 3 weeks, it'll be nice that the boxes will finally be moving, instead of them staring at me wondering why they're stuck in the corner. Boxes don't like corners. They like movement. Maybe that's why every now and then you'll see a wild box come down from the mountains on the freeways. Poor suicidal boxes.
After the move, there's Christmas. Due to the move, gifts are at a premium this year, so if you don't get one, don't feel bad. I didn't forget you, I just couldn't afford it.
After the move, and after Christmas comes R&D's wedding. That should be fun. An nice. I've been giving the Honor of Ush. That's right. If you're going and you wander aimlessly, or meander, or dilly-dally, or amble, you'll find my Ushing ass right up on yours. Get moving, Punk.
At least when it's all over, there's Brian's New Years party, which always promises a good time. I'm looking forward to some of the festivities I've heard about so far. I won't reveal any, just in case there are those who haven't heard of them yet.

In other news, my dad got me this freaking awesome pocket watch:

Just for being best man. It's awesome and beautiful. Has a nice engraving on the back. Too bad I don't own enough nice things to wear it with, but it's awesome on its stand, too.

So here's to all of you. Hope the beginning of the End (of the year) treats you well. Good luck on upcoming or current Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzabot shopping/planning/etc. Hopefully work (if you work) is treating you well, and home is doing the same. I'll be seeing most of you pretty soon, one way or another, I'm sure.

current mood: blah

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Friday, November 9th, 2007
6:22 pm - Think Back...
Do you remember when we met?
You were new to a foreign place, and I was old hat. You were with someone you'd learn to be too immature for your tastes. I spoke with you once and knew I had to have you. I did, and for a time, it was wonderful.

Do you remember when we met?
I was rounder than I am now. I was blond. I was alone in a crowd. I didn't have a lot of friends. With your help and your friendship, I realized what a good friends could be, without the endless posturing and one-uppmanship. I realized what brotherhood could feel like.

Do you remember when we met?
It was dark, and it was loud, but I knew from that moment I had to have you. They said you weren't for me. They said I couldn't have you. That didn't matter. Though, according to all others it was a horrible thing to do, it was great for me, and that's all I could ask.

Do you remember when we met?
I was at one of the lowest points I could be. I was in a great amount of pain, and no one and nothing seemed to be helping. You did, though. You helped me feel again, helped me cry again. Helped me see the sunlight after the storm.

Do you remember when we met?
I was a Gunslinger that night. You were a siren. I was twenty feet tall. You were a wonderful warmth in the night. Now memories of me bring nothing but hatred. I understand and take responsibility. It was my fault anyway.

Do you remember when we met?
I was crunchy on the outside and soft in the middle. A shaky puppy. I was still in pain in a lot of ways. You were exceedingly lonely. We tried so hard not to let ourselves get hurt, but in the end, after the goods and the bads, the ups and the downs, it happened anyway. That doesn't make it a wasted experience.

Do you remember when we met? When we really met? Do you know who I am? Who I was? Who I'm becoming? Do you know who you are? Where you are going? What you're doing with your opportunities?

Never forget where you started. It's a great landmark to show how far, or how short, you've come.
Never forget your friends, or those that were once your friends. They may never call you that again, and they may wish you were never born, but there were lessons there to be learned, whether or not they wanted to teach.

Never forget the lessons of the past. Nothing is new, and nothing hasn't happened yet. Learn your past, your history. Learn the pattern, and nothing will ever break you again.

current mood: drained
current music: "From Where You Are" by Lifehouse

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Sunday, November 4th, 2007
5:33 pm - This I miss...
I love my iPod. I just want to start off with that. For me, music is an intricate part of my life, and having constant music while driving, without commercials or dj's or static (well, sometimes static) is a very wonderful thing. You won at birthdays.

When driving long distances, i.e. to Phoenix or Tempe or Chandler, or basically anywhere I hang out, I tend to get into certain moods. Some would call them funks. I also tend to narrate these moods by the music on my 'pod.

Today was the Cowboy Bebop soundtracks. Specifically the eponymous album. The one with Tank! and Space Lion (the song with the saxophone and the chanting children). Listening to this soundtrack always reminds me of you, as you introduced me to the show (or more specifically, let me see it for the first time) and reminds me of our road trip to San Diego. This and the other CB soundtracks is what got me from Phoenix to San Diego without falling asleep (as you did so easily).

Thinking on the trip then gets me thinking about San Diego (Whale's Vagina) and how much fun it was. It was rainy, which rocked, and though we were staying in Hotel Ikea, it was a nice place and the entire trip was fun. Walking out to that weird little house on all those rocks was a big win for me, internally, and I probably wouldn't have done it had it not been for you. The Bennigan's was a lot of fun, as was going to that weird little independently owned comic shop. (Weird since we never see those out here that much anymore). The Natural Museum was awesome, as was you feeding the squirrels.

Thinking on the San Diego trip reminds me of the Vegas trip. That one was a lot of fun, but not as much. I think it was marred with my own internal feelings that it was almost over, coupled with being in such an alien environment and feeling like I was being dragged around everywhere without being able to stop and see what I wanted to see. It was very nice, though, to be able to sit and drink at a place with Star Trek on the TV, where the barflys were actually excited to watch it, instead of making jokes and telling the bartender to change the channel. Those drinks were awesome.

It all brings me back to my Cowboy Bebop soundtracks, as when the songs end, and the sounds of the road and the wind through the windows of the car invade my thoughts, I realize I have no one left to talk to about random things. It's still weird for me, being so alone all the time, yet not being alone. I go out more than I ever have, and am finally doing so much that I've always wanted to do but never had the money, or the time, or the solitude to do. It's an adjustment.

Then I start thinking about the present. So much has changed in the short two months. While the "you" in my blogs means YOU, the "you" in yours no longer means me. That doesn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it would. I am actually really glad things are going well for you. I'm really happy things are moving along and that you can be okay. It proves what I did wasn't permanent (no, I'm not THAT arrogant to think it was) but it also proves you'll be okay and won't hurt from this like you seemed to from the other ones when we were together.

I miss movie night. I don't even remember what the last movie we watched was, or who picked it. I miss it though. It was always, for me, a nice end to the week, and a good relaxation transition into the next week. I miss the conversations about comics or anime that didn't degenerate into me feeling berated or not taken seriously or you seeming to get depressed because I started to feel that way. Like when you were still working for the restaurant and would come over and we'd bullshit for 2 hours on the couch, doing nothing else. I miss the walks we used to take, either with or without strawberries. We'd walk from my place all the way up to Elliot, or out to the Coldstone across the freeway. Always you came to me, and I gotta say, both to you and D, thanks for always coming all the way out to me. That was a long haul from Mesa to 'Tukee and it didn't go unnoticed, I just never got around to saying thank you.

I'm glad life is moving on for everyone. Friends are getting married, family is getting married, and the blue marble keeps on spinning. Rock-rock on. Work may be getting better here pretty soon, or it may get worse, depending on your point of view. I'm moving soon. That will be a big change for me, but I'm looking forward to it, too, since it means the place is 100% customizable and 100% mine to decorate. I've never had a place be completely mine, so this will be a new experience. +5 to Living Alone skill.

I think I want to take a train ride soon. Maybe I'll go from Tucson to Seattle like I've always wanted. It'll be devastatingly expensive, but when do I ever spend extravagant money on myself?

And now, for your viewing pleasure, Ender as Sid:



current mood: thoughtful

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Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
5:19 am - Things change...
Y'know what the weirdest thing about then and now is?

What's the weirdest thing about then and now?

It's the little things. A lotta the same shit's the same, but now, it's a little different.

Example.

Well before, when I would do something like I've done, it was for a specific reason. I'd have something lined up. I'd avoid being alone, and so I would have had one or two or three prospects lined up. I'd also drink a lot more. And I'd have a quarter pounder with cheese, but I didn't call it a quarter pounder with cheese.

You wouldn't call it a quarter pounder with cheese?

No. I don't eat that shit anymore, so I wouldn't call it by it's name.

What would you call a quarter pounder with cheese?

I'd call it shit on a bun.

...

Okay, so basically, it's just interesting how much I've found myself changing. I go to bed earlier. I work harder and take care of things as they crop up, instead of letting them sit and sit and sit. I keep my schedule pretty rigidly, but that doesn't mean I don't allow for fun, it just means I have my week schedule and my weekend schedule. I also find I'm not drinking nearly as much. Sure, some nights I'll have one or two glasses of wine, but that's nothing to compare to the two or three bottles of wine I used to consume on a nightly basis. I'm not becoming a hermit by any means, but I'm also noticing I'm enjoying my solitudious (it's a word now, dammit) schedule. It doesn't mean I'm alone, it just means I'm not setting my schedule around anyone but me. I'm not going to live my life around anyone else but me for a while, I've decided.

I'm going to be moving soon. Either closer to my N. Phoenix friends, or closer to my Tempe friends, but my Tempe friends are much more mobile, and so possibly able to come with me to N. Phoenix. The problem is, my very good Chandler friend is not so mobile, and so moving to the North end of Phoenix is basically making harder to ever hang out with this person. What sucks the most is the shitty responses I get from people I'm trying to get information from, since I'm still two months out and no one knows what's coming up, so they tend to be bitches. Stupid bitches.

I have a lot going on right now. Maybe the 5-week nonstop schedule keeps me from feeling lonely. Maybe that's the point. I don't know. All I do know is I'm going in to work about two hours early to deal with a blue-screening issue from a patch I wasn't involved in, and that pisses me off that I have to fix another issue from a fix I was not consulted on. Maybe I'll go for the manager job just to stop stuff like this from happening. The people need a champion, and while I may not have the experience, I know how to tell certain people to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down before I break their $6000 scanner and make them eat the jagged edges.

I'm so diplomatic.

I'm really glad winter is coming. There's something that appeals to my sense of drama when the air is cold and the world is silent when I leave for work, minus the people upstairs yelling at each other and their kids screaming. Two more months, that's all.

I love the winter time. I love the mode of dress, I love the food (or the thought of the food) associated with it, and I love the sense of being able to go outside and enjoy things. Maybe I've been in Arizona too long. Doesn't the rest of the world enjoy the Spring? Screw the Spring. It's too hot.

I hate fallout of decisions and situations like I'm in now. I'm right on that verge of constantly not having enough money, coupled with the unknown of what my new bills are going to look like, plus not being able to forecast beyond December due to moving and the new bills associated with that. Hopefully I pick a good place. I really like this one, but I hate it's geographic location, and I'm thinking it's too big for me now. Maybe consolidation is a viable solution at this point.

Anyway, the point of this post was to marvel at the changes in my own life, and in the lives of the others I care about. One I had to hurt, and I hated having to do it, but to me, it had to be done. One is in a fair amount of physical pain, due to recent work being done, but I know this person is strong and the people around them some of the best ever. One is going through something I'd not wish upon anyone, but they've got some of the same people, some others, and are doing quite well with the crappy hand they've been dealt. Then there's the one who doesn't know what they're going to do, and doesn't know what the next day will bring, but puts on such a strong bravado, it leaves you wondering if they actually know what they're doing or they've just been faking it so long, even they don't let themselves see the truth.

I miss a lot you I don't get to see anymore, either due to my actions, or circumstances beyond our control. I miss being able to talk to a lot of you, back when talks were plentiful, food wasn't taboo, and everywhere I turned I didn't feel like someone hated me. Sometimes I miss the feeling of belonging, but mostly I enjoy this new schedule and what it brings.

I'm healthier than I have been in a long time. My diet is adjusting with my new lifestyle into something less fanatical and a bit more manageable. I'm much more active, and yet much more contemplative than I have been in a long time too. I think I'm enjoying the changes being made within me, and am curious as to what the final result will be, if any. I hope to never stop changing, never stop evolving, but if I hit a point of contentment, I hope it's a fluxing contentment, where things still move and shake and I don't fight against them.

As I've told others, Change is the tsunami that bears the universe along. You can stand against it, but you'll only succeed in wasting too much energy to stay in a worthless position, with the torrent churning around you, and while it may seem valiant and strong to those around you, all it really accomplishes is either a wasted effort or you being dashed to pieces on the rocks. It's much better to learn to surf, and to make the wave of change work for you.

It may be blackest night now, but I'm confident with a bit of will, we can turn it into the brightest day.

current mood: contemplative

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Sunday, July 30th, 2006
2:07 pm - Sunday Part II
As I continue my music project and listen to more and more music I had forgotten, I ponder other ideas and thoughts on the human condition. I started dabbling in expectations.
I have formed another theory on people, and on interpersonal relationships.

This is not a new theory, and it's probably not even my theory. It's been proven that we want what we can't have. When we want something for too long, we build expectations about the object of our desire. If we are able to get what we want soon enough, our desire is still pure, but we haven't had time to make too many assumptions about what it would be like to have...whatever it is we want.

For ease of use, we're going to call the object of our desire...Sam. That's a good androgynous name.

Let's say I see Sam and realize I want him/her/it. If I can get Sam soon enough, I won't have based any assumptions or expectations on what it would be like to have Sam. When I get Sam, I believe it will take longer for me to be bored with Sam, and cast Sam aside. If I were to wait too long, I would develop a whole world around Sam, and what it would be like to have Sam. If I wait too long, I would get Sam, and be disappointed, and blame Sam instead of blaming myself, because Sam doesn't match my expectations. As Guinan once said "She's probably done the most horrific thing one person can do to another...Not live up to your expectations."
See, we blame others when they don't act or speak or react as we thought they would. We don't blame ourselves for our incorrect assumptions.

Then again, what if Sam wanted us in return, but was dealing with something and couldn't be ours right away? Granted, this takes off the "it" portion of the classification, but this whole thing was about relationships and we all knew it.
So we hang out with Sam. We spend a lot of time with Sam, and at first, we make sure Sam knows how we feel about them, and every now and then, Sam will let slip that he/she feels the same. As the months roll on, we start getting tired of Sam, or rather, getting tired of always wanting Sam. The problem is, Sam's ready to want us. Even though our feelings for Sam are gone, do we attempt a relationship because it's what's expected of us, do we try to keep the same level of relationship as when Sam wasn't ready, or do we break it all off completely? How exactly do we proceed?
What if Sam dealt with his/her situation, and is now open and ready to be in a relationship, but after all this time, realizes you're not the person he/she wants to be in a relationship with? Should Sam try to stay with you, because you expect it of him/her, or should Sam try to explain it all?

There are 153 Days Left in the Year.
It's 72 degrees and cloudy in Boston, and it's 4:00pm their time.
It's 67 degrees and cloudy in Portland, and it's 1:00pm their time.
It's 90 degrees and cloudy here in Phoenix, and it's 2:00pm here.

current mood: contemplative

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10:01 am - Sunday
I realize more and more that I will not allow myself to live in this state for much longer. My soul is crying for change. I want a change of climate, of scenery, of topology, of color. I need more culture in my life. I want to be able to walk down the street and see people enjoying the weather outside, instead of attempting to hide from it. I want to wake up, and enjoy stepping outside, instead of knowing that the opening of the door will unleash an avalanche of heat.
There has to be a better way, a better place, for the likes of me.

I've spent most of the morning sifting through my music collection. I have a file labled "Very Misc Music" which I've been pulling apart and rearranging. It's a tedious job, but it will bring me a small measure of peace to finish this, so I figure it's a good thing.
Anyone that has known me very long will have invariably heard me spout off that music is the key to my memory. I say it to many of my new friends, and I still stand by it. My mind takes memories and pairs them with certain songs and melodies. I may not be able to remember something from 5 years ago, I hear the song, and all the memories come back.
I wish I had a catalouge of these songs.
I've been sampling my music all morning, bringing back all sorts of memories. I remember the time in 3rd grade I got paired for a project with the cute girl in the class and let out a giant "YESSSSS" (Napoleon Dynamite style). Everyone laughed. It was embarrassing.
I remember the time I played poker with D and her friends. One of them got blazingly drunk and insisted he loved everyone.
I remember pulling into the parking lot of the Monte Vista, the cool air hitting my cheek, my ass complaining that I had been sitting for far too long. We tried to check in, but it was too early, so we walked around, saw a shitty hearse, decided not to get coffee at the extremely over-packed coffeehouse, and you tried to feed a bunny to a dog.
...
I remember back in high school, my parents split up. I didn't think it took too much of a toll on me then, but now, as i look back, I realize what a profound beating my psyche took that year. I had just gotten back from a "leadership camp" which basically means, the school administration saw within me the ability to lead others, and thought it'd be a good idea to show how to do so in a positive manner. It lasted four days, and I made a lot of friends. The day after getting back, we moved.
Granted, I probably would have lost touch with most of those people anyway, but when you're 15, you don't see things that way.
My god, has it really been 9 years?
I dropped into a deep state of depression. So much so that eventually I had my dad take me to a therapist, and began drug treatment.
During this time, I became enamored with the state of being depressed. I had a friend in Phoenix. I would come up to see her every weekend. Eventually I fell in love with her. She didn't feel the same way. Would it have mattered if she had felt the same way? No. I didn't want a girlfriend, I wanted something to pine over, a love in another city that I could never have. It gave focus to these feelings of depression and sadness that I felt on a daily basis. It allowed me to concentrate all of that sadness on one object, which allowed me to fool myself into thinking that my relationship with her was the reason I was sad all the time.
There is comfort in pain. When you wrap yourself in a cocoon of pain, anger, hatred and sadness, nothing can touch you. If you keep yourself at the lowest end, nothing can hurt you, because you're already in constant pain. Sometimes you "fall through", which is my term for getting so depressed, something upstairs snaps, and you're okay and insanely happy for a few hours, or days, or hell, a week. It doesn't matter. You always return to your cave.

I seem to be getting sick. How the hell am I getting sick?

"...She says she doesn't love me, but she likes my company, for now that's good enough for me..." - Colin Hay

There are 153 Days Left in the Year.
It's 73 degrees and cloudy in Boston, and it's 2:00pm their time.
It's 63 degrees and raining in Portland, and it's 11:00am their time.
It's 81 degrees and cloudy here in Phoenix, and it's Noon here.

current mood: nostalgic

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Thursday, July 6th, 2006
9:05 am - Dutch East India Trading Company?
I have a dilemma.
My friend Joe is a pirate.
Brian is a pirate.
Russ is a pirate of the highest order.
A friend's boyfriend is a pirate.
I USED to be a pirate.
I used to claim myself to be a pirate.
I haven't had many piratey adventures in years, but I've always considered myself a pirate.
I haven't been a very public pirate, though.
Now, I feel that if I start telling people once again, "yes, I am a pirate" I will be labeled as a bandwagoner, especially with all the hype that the movies are bringing.
It's strange, as most of the people I know who claim to be Pirates don't exhibit traits that most pirates do.
They don't steal, they don't plunder, and they sure as hell don't drink Rum.
Granted, these are stereotypes of the quintessential Pirate, but a pirate is just a sailor if he doesn't plunder and steal.
Pirates lie. I don't abide liars.
Pirates cheat too. They cheat whenever convenient.
Pirates don't uphold Justice. They use loopholes to their advantage.
Pirates don't protect the weak. They prey on them.
I cannot stand these qualities.
Breaking down these traits, I can honestly state I will no longer view myself as a pirate.
My lineage marks me as a Barbarian or a Cossack. I see myself as neither.
Therefore I must view myself as Corsair or Knight.
Problem being, both of those serve masters, where as I have none.
...
Then I view myself as Ronin.
I may not have a national "speak like me" day, but at least I know what I stand for.

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Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
10:32 am - Insubstantial Solids
I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’ve pondered over it for the past few weeks, as I let myself fly blindly. I realized that the behavior I have been exhibiting has been akin to how I acted right out of high school, which his wholly unacceptable. I’ve been playing a very stupid game with myself, and I realized I can’t let it go on.
I have a special person in my life. This person means a lot to me, but lately, I’ve realized I’ve let this person mean too much to me. I’m starting to get that little twinge in the back of my neck that tells me that too much pleasure becomes pain, which means I’m in too deep. I’m on one side of a teeter-totter and no one wants to let me down. I’m stranded because no one’s willing to give in but me, which is both unfair and puts me in a horrible position.
Something changed recently. Before, it was all fun and games, with no promises, with no implied promises, with no expectations. Then I caved. I figured saying what was on my mind and what was in my heart would do some good.
I was wrong.
In a few ways, things got better. We became closer, perhaps, and started spending more time together.
In a few ways, things got worse.
I believe then expectations started cropping up.
Expectations to hang out, expectations to see each other a certain amount, expectations for physical encounters.
These expectations have caused a great deal of frustration and disappointment.
I will no longer live with these expectations.
I will do my very best to no longer expect anything, and to not fulfill things only expected, and not asked for.
I do not want to carry this ache with me any longer, and to do so, I need to detach.
…
I’ve also realized that this special person and I have no idea what we want from each other. My recent experience with rules and following said rules did not go well, and that’s not what I’m looking for this time around.
I have a vague notion of what I want, but unfortunately, it is conditional.
My special person has someone of their own.
This person of their own lives across the world, and as such, the two of them have never really been together for any great length of time. They’ve never been able to be together long enough to see how the relationship would pan out. Thus, they’re able to keep it going an exorbitant amount of time.
I would not be able to accept this. Call me callow, call me selfish, but I would require that I came first. I could not play second fiddle to someone who’s not even a constant, aside from thoughts and the occasional communiqué.
I don’t think the expectations are two-way. I think that I’m the only one who’s started to expect things. The fact that I didn’t realize that I was developing those expectations is not excuse.
I did get somewhat of an ultimatum, the other day.
I was told that if I did not give in to my physical desires, any sort of feelings for me may be dropped and forgotten.
I won’t give in. If my special person can’t wait for the trip, or can’t wait for me, then maybe they need to find a third avenue and we need to drop any pretense of having anything.
I gave a third avenue. I don’t know if I meant it, or if I gave it in a moment of weakness, or perhaps in a moment of strength.
If this person decides to explore this avenue, that’s fine. I’ve given my blessing on it, and though I wish it weren’t that way, I hope it helps.
I know that before this person and I can be together in the way that we (or perhaps just I) would like, we need to figure out what it is we want.

current mood: contemplative
current music: "Run" by Collective Soul

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Monday, May 15th, 2006
6:41 am
So I haven't been sleeping well.
I didn't sleep well last night, and I got about three hours of sleep the night before that.
I don't sleep through the night.
I wake up at least twice every night.
I wake up wondering if I've missed something.
If perhaps there was an attempt at contact that I missed.

...

Shit's getting worse.
Things are breaking down.
Communication has become horrible.
What I feared has happened.

There are questions I wish I could ask.
Of course, I can't now.
There's too much to lose.
Or is there?
I don't know.
That's part of the dilemma.

See, there's a stupid game being played.
Too much can't be given on either side.
So a little is given, then when one side thinks it's too much, it's pulled back.
Things that should be said have now become taboo.
Eggshells litter the floor.
I'm fucking tired of it.
I am ready for it to be done.

I feel like I'm back in high school.
I feel like I'm back in the time of "he said she said"
I feel like I'm losing so much.
I feel like I’m losing myself.

I was so confident.
I was so sure.
I knew what to do, I knew what I wanted.
I swore I'd never live with fear again.
I realize fear has become my bedfellow.

I used to have no pride.
I used to not care what anyone thought.
I used to know that I was above everyone, and that nothing could touch me.
Now, I can't even seem to laugh at myself anymore.

I seem to care too much.
My first thought in the morning,
The last before I go to sleep.
It's all of the same thing.

I've lied again.
Or maybe I wasn't ready to admit it.
Though I did last night.
It was freeing, in a way.

If it's denied, pushing it away is like fighting a fog.
Insubstantial, formless, and suffocating.
If it's said, it's solid, it's real.
It can then be placed either where it needs to go,
Pushed aside,
Or broken.

I'm forgetting so much.
I'm letting too much go.
I'm abdicating responsibility to myself.
I'm allowing myself to put myself second.
This is bullshit.
I can't let this go on.

I don't blame anyone but myself.
This was something that's a part of me.
This was a part of me that I hadn't seen in a while.
I thought I had moved beyond this.
I thought I had grown into something more than this.

Too many questions circulate in my head at all times.
Too many thoughts run rampant in my psyche.
I know this feeling all too well.
This is the feeling of unknown.
This is the feeling of mistrust.
This is the result of the voice that crops up in situations like these.
When you have nothing to lose,
Yet what you have gained is too precious for you to give an inch back.
The voice that insists not everything is being said
The voice that tells you you're being lied to,
Or perhaps not lied to, but not being told the truth.
Asking direct questions would arouse too many suspicions.
So you burn inside.
And you wonder.
And you don't ask.

It's bullshit.

I tire of it.

I do believe I'm numb.

pic

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Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
6:37 am - Useless
I'm getting so tired of this.

You try to fix a situation.

Something you know you screwed up.

People try to tell you that it's not your responsibility.

You're just a catalyst, it would have happened sooner or later.

That doesn't excuse you.

Them saying that doesn't mean it's not your responsibility.

So you try to make a sacrifice, to show that you care.

To show that you're trying to fix the situation.

Of course you don't get a positive response.

Hell, the only response you get is probably one asking you to perform a certain anatomical impossibility.

And it's not that your sacrifice wasn't well received.

It's that it was YOUR sacrifice, and not someone else's.

Because it's YOU giving something up, not them.

Bullshit.

You try to fix things, you try to make things better, you try everything you can to make it all go back to how it was

or at least try to create something new of the situation.

What happens?

You screw it up even more.

Guh.

current mood: aggravated

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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
12:09 am - The Hermit Seaks
It's amazing how quickly we forget.

We get to a certain point in our lives where things work a certain way, and everything seems right.

We get content.

Complacent.

We lose our memory, thinking that things were always as they are now.

We forget that before we were this strong, self-assured person in this position of power,

We were nothing.

We were scared.

We wanted to run, to pick up our things and take off

We thought, "it's better to run away and not be hurt, than put ourselves on the line and possibly be broken."

We forget that there was someone with us, helping us along the way.

We forget that they took the time to listen to us.

We forget that they sacrificed their time, and their energy, making sure we felt as we should.

We forget the long nights they took talking us down, making sure we knew what it was we wanted, and helping us get it.

We forget that they might have lost a piece of themselves too, helping us fight our internal battles.

What's worst is when they need us, and we've forgotten.

We don't realize how much that hurts them.

How slighted that can make them feel.

All this time and energy they sacrificed, willingly, to help us out.

And all we can do is blow them off, because we're okay now, so we don't need them anymore.

It’s not that they gave us their time just so we could repay them.

But sometimes someone needs you as much as you need them,

And when you don’t respond, it can make them feel worse than when they started.

Alone.

Abandoned.

Pushed aside

Second Best.

Fuck you too.

I’m done with you.

But I won’t forget

And I haven’t forgotten.

But to those of you who’ve helped me,

I apologize if I have.

I’m not back yet, but I’ve been thinking a lot.

Many of you were there for me when I needed you

I thank you for your help.

I apologize this is the first chance I’ve had to remember to say thank you.

I will do my best not to let it happen again.

current mood: annoyed

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